Cheers to Moromonland! Successfully traveled with the two kids out to Southern Utah and managed to miss the blizzard back East. Thank you, Jesus Brigham Young. How lucky am I that my parents bought a little place in the Southern Utah dessert - just one hour and forty-five minutes from Vegas where I can defect each winter in an effort to not end up one of the profiled criminals on Nancy Grace due to completely losing my mind as a stay-at-home-mom with two small kids who are relegated to the indoors when two feet of snow gets dumped on your already isolated lifestyle. Thank you Mom and Dad!
Kinda weird that it's a conservative Mormon/Republican community and you guys are flaming liberal Democrats, but since it's 60 degrees and sunny almost everyday here during the winter? I can get over that it's a dry town and everyone is blonde.
Kinda weird that it's a conservative Mormon/Republican community and you guys are flaming liberal Democrats, but since it's 60 degrees and sunny almost everyday here during the winter? I can get over that it's a dry town and everyone is blonde.
My dear husband traveled out here with us, got to spend a little under a week here but had to go back to the salt mines just in time to also spend every waking hour that he's not working -- shoveling. I definitely have the better deal since I will stay out here with the kids until March and it doesn't really get below 55 and there's hardly a cloud in the sky most days. Pretty sweet stuff.
So, here's the scoop on Mormonland and why a place you seemingly may have next to nothing in common with might just be your middle-aged-vacationland-fantasy :
So, here's the scoop on Mormonland and why a place you seemingly may have next to nothing in common with might just be your middle-aged-vacationland-fantasy :
1. Everyone goes to church on Sunday. And I mean LITERALLY EVERYONE. So, you basically have the whole town to yourself. Yes a lot of things are closed -- but the things that are open? It's like having your own personal Starbucks, Costco, and Albertsons. All. To. Yourself. No lines. No traffic. It's like stay-at-home-mom's heaven out here on a Sunday.
2. Mormons have like 13 kids a piece by the time they are 24. After bringing the kids out here the last couple of years -- I don't know how children even survive in Boston. We have a Dunkin Donuts on every corner. This place has changing tables on every corner. You can literally go ANYWHERE and whether it's a restaurant, store, playground, you name it -- everywhere is loaded to the gills with all your diaper changing, bottle making, and snack distributing needs. And EVERYTHING seems like they installed it brand new yesterday. Boston? Not so much. You basically just lie your kid down on the pavement to change a diaper. There are no public bathrooms -- and even if there were -- you sure as hell wouldn't want to go in one alone without a firearm or a hazmat suit let alone bring your precious baby in there and then take her pants off. Forget about it. Since half the population of this town is traveling around with like 6 kids under 6 -- they got this shit down to a science.
3. Makes ordering alcohol fun again. Because Mormon's don't drink, swear, or do much of anything naughty really -- you kinda feel like a badass out here just for ordering a beer let alone using a shopping cart (thank you very much) when you make your run to the state liquor store (WITH THE KIDS mind you :) -- it's like being in one of those western movies where you walk into the Cantina and all of the local cowboys turn around to get a look at the stranger in the doorway and in one glance they can just tell you're a total badass who means business. Going to the liquor store in Southie is about as exciting as taking the trash out it's so much a part of everyone's daily routine. Here? I feel like I'm doing something totally illegal every time I acquire alcohol. And I like that.
5. Public facilities that make the Ritz in Boston look like a dump. The Community Center here might as well be a freakin high class water park and it costs like 50 cents to join. Who knew that these remote, conservative, religious towns in the middle of nowhere had the best public facilities known to man. The community center here is a SAHM's wet dream. I'll let a picture of the pool speak for itself. And what's even more insane is how CHEAP it is....anything remotely of this caliber in Boston would literally cost hundreds of dollars to join. I'm usually here for six weeks each year. What does that cost me? $30 bucks. TOTAL. Oh no wait, I have to pay $2 a kid if I want to drop them off in the daycare center for TWO WHOLE HOURS while I spin, take a yoga class, or who am I kidding -- take a 45 minute shower if I want to and not bother to workout at all. I'm sorry, but this kind of celebrity lifestyle simply does not exist on the mean streets of Boston. I mean, unless you have Kennedy amounts of money at your disposal. Amazing. We are at the community center, no lie, six days a week.....but who's counting.
PS: I am definitely warming up to the idea of this multiple wives thing because let me tell you, it sounds awful tempting to have a few more adult women in the house to help me carry the load around here. In that sense? I have NO problem adding people to my marriage. I would be lying if I didn't admit to the fact that I could sure use the help. The crazy hair and the potato sack clothing? Not really my thing. But I traded in my modeling career and my sense of dignity a long time ago -- so if I can get any of the ladies out here to move back to Boston with me....I might just be bringing a little bit of Mormonland home with me this year.
4. Conservative as hell. Here's where you might want to just keep your conversations to a minimum and go along to get along. I mean, I got mad respect for the kid friendly environment and super props to the changing table situation -- so I don't want to piss anyone off with my swearing or my stance on gay marriage. It is beyond strange to walk into a bookstore and see Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh books fill the entire Best Seller section. Even stranger when my parents little gated community holds its home owners potluck and the sundried tomato and feta past salad dish they brought with them was frowned upon and viewed as a little "racy" given the slew of jello molds and marshmallow salads that covered the buffet table. Let alone that my mother was making small talk about how she's interested in joining the local democratic city committee. I think she would be their third member. But hey, when your main goal is to escape cold weather and have a place to go to with clear blue skies and warm temps with tons to do with the kids -- anyone can stumble through a few awkward "wouldn't the country have been better off with Mitt Romney as president" conversations.
5. Public facilities that make the Ritz in Boston look like a dump. The Community Center here might as well be a freakin high class water park and it costs like 50 cents to join. Who knew that these remote, conservative, religious towns in the middle of nowhere had the best public facilities known to man. The community center here is a SAHM's wet dream. I'll let a picture of the pool speak for itself. And what's even more insane is how CHEAP it is....anything remotely of this caliber in Boston would literally cost hundreds of dollars to join. I'm usually here for six weeks each year. What does that cost me? $30 bucks. TOTAL. Oh no wait, I have to pay $2 a kid if I want to drop them off in the daycare center for TWO WHOLE HOURS while I spin, take a yoga class, or who am I kidding -- take a 45 minute shower if I want to and not bother to workout at all. I'm sorry, but this kind of celebrity lifestyle simply does not exist on the mean streets of Boston. I mean, unless you have Kennedy amounts of money at your disposal. Amazing. We are at the community center, no lie, six days a week.....but who's counting.
So there you have it. Mormonland for the non-Mormon. It's a beautiful thing. So, the next time you're planning a trip to Disneyland or renting a beach house in Florida -- just Google remote, religious, cheap, kid friendly, publicly funded kick ass community center destinations and see what comes up. It might surprise you.
PS: I am definitely warming up to the idea of this multiple wives thing because let me tell you, it sounds awful tempting to have a few more adult women in the house to help me carry the load around here. In that sense? I have NO problem adding people to my marriage. I would be lying if I didn't admit to the fact that I could sure use the help. The crazy hair and the potato sack clothing? Not really my thing. But I traded in my modeling career and my sense of dignity a long time ago -- so if I can get any of the ladies out here to move back to Boston with me....I might just be bringing a little bit of Mormonland home with me this year. 
Just found your blog and this post has me cracking up. I live in Salt Lake City which is "only" 50% Mormon but so much of this rings true. The changing tables here actually have leather covers on them and are permanent, like don't just fold down from the wall with a broken hinge. It is a kid's paradise! The liquor stores, however, don't even have baby seats in the carts. I have to plop my kid in the tiny hand basket sized cart and nestle my wine bottles around him.
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