I have the mouth of a truck driver. Anyone who knows me knows this. I don't know quite when it started or why it started but once it started it really became a big part of my personality.
I have lovely parents, they RARELY swear. They are both educators, so it's a little embarrassing on my part that they raised a daughter with such a filthy mouth. Oh, and I swear in front of them. All the time. And have for years. I also have sworn in front of professors, doctors, definitely on job interviews and in front of my in-laws. I think I even swore once at my husband's uncle who's a priest. But he deserved it, believe me.
I know it's a vulgar quality because meeting me for the first time is already like taking a drink from a firehouse let alone the f-bombs that are laced throughout whatever the hell it is I'm talking about. But I'm an emotional person through and through and I guess it's just not enough for me to try and get my point across without the added swear word here and there for emphasis. I mean, I'm ALL ABOUT emphasis -- to the point where it surprises me that I don't type in ALL CAPS. You know...one of THOSE types....
But I'm sure the people around me would say I'm getting my point across just fine and would you mind letting up on the F'bombs and Jesus Christ's so early in the morning, please and thank you. Sorry, no can do. I think it's partially because it takes a lot to get me really angry. So, I'm never angry. Therefore, in order to release a little negative energy here and there -- I swear. I mean, I'm not robbing banks or killing people -- I'm just using bad language. A LOT. Seems to be the better/healthier option, no? Humor and swearing. When I look back on it -- it's kept me off Nancy Grace and it's gotten me through a lot. But I have kids now. So, hmmm....how's this going to work?
Swearing was fine when I was a waitress in my twenties. Especially at an Irish bar where my Irish friends used swear words to endearingly describe their grandmother back home. "She's the fucking salt of the earth, I tell ya." Swearing is part of the vernacular there -- so, it didn't help my habit one bit that I picked up and used phrases like, "For fuck sake!", "I'm just taking the piss out of you," "Can you spare me a fag?", and "Fucking gobshites went out on the piss last night and jesus, we got absolutely fucking knackered." God, they have some good ones. I outta bring a couple of those back into the rotation.
So, kids...right. I have kids. One of them is already a sponge and the other one is well on his way. I've tried to do some self monitoring -- you know, like say "shoot" instead of "shit" or "F-er!" instead of "Fuckers." But clearly being a stay-at-home mom -- I don't exactly have another adult around to keep me honest. I do the best I can. But recently? I think I would give myself a grade of "F" (funny, right?) in this parenting category.
My daughter is potty training. She's just over 2 1/2 years old and she's doing really well with it. Except for a couple accidents here and there which are mostly caused by her medication which makes her do one enormous pee mid-morning that she has trouble controlling. Fair enough. She even lets me know right away that she's had an accident. The other day I heard her say, "Awe shit" to herself in the living room and when I came around the corner she was standing in a puddle with her pants wet and in a totally normal voice, "Shit mum, I had an accident." Yup. You did. Two accidents really, you peed your pants and I accidentally taught you how to swear. Whoops.
Then she said fuck at the dinner table. In front of both me and my husband. She was talking to herself about god knows what -- but still -- she kind of said it under her breath. So my husband says, "Wait, what did you just say?" And she looked at both of us, swear-to-god, she rolled her eyes (is that even possible already?!?!?!) and said in a completely exasperated tone because of our questioning, "I just said fuck a little bit."
Oh, phew! You were just saying fuck A LITTLE BIT. I gottcha. My bad. We thought you were saying it a lot! Silly us. Later, my husband said, "I'm surprised she didn't say -- I just said it a little bit -- not A LOT like mommy does." Touche, my dear husband, touche.
I'm also not doing very well with the "less is more" parenting approach and have found myself (I know this won't surprise anyone) talking WAY too much when I try to discipline my daughter. I don't yell at her necessarily, (although I'd be lying if I said I haven't yelled at her before) but I talk way, way, way too much.
For example, she did something, I sat her down for a time out and started to explain what the time out was for, and I was so annoyed and upset with her that I found myself going on and on and on -- and not even really about whatever she had done wrong -- just talking and talking......."and I didn't know I would meet your father in a bar and that we'd end up married, with a condo underwater in a godforsaken place that I spent more time holding political signs on street corners than I care to remember, and then the next thing I know we've got two kids in two years, and...." and thankfully somehow I miraculously came to my senses and realized how much I was rambling on and on in front of my two year old while she's looking at me with a damn-this-bitch-is-crazy look on her face wondering when this completely insane monologue that she can't even understand anyway is going to finally end. But I was in too deep now. I had to find some way to stop the madness and wrap up....so I abruptly shifted gears and ended with, "and that is why you do not throw food on the floor. Ever."
Yikes. So clearly when my close friends have stopped by the house to see me and the kids and multiple people have kindly suggested, "Ya, Molly -- I would just say less to her in general. You know? Just keep it short, and then move on. She is only two after all." Hello?!?! God, you guys are so right! You mean she's not my 35 year old best friend who I hang out with all day? Oh shit, you are totally right, she is two. Damn it. What the hell have I been doing? I really have lost my marbles with this stay-at-home mom gig. Jesus.
I guess it didn't surprise me when another time recently I was getting on HER nerves and she just dead pan said to me very seriously, "Mum? Stop with the fucking attitude." Wow. A whole sentence this time. Used in completely the correct context. Awesome job, Molly. Must have said that TO HER during one of your blackout monologues about your sordid life. Wow, major mommy point deduction. Huge stay-at-home mom technical foul. Might have even deserved a red card and had me thrown out of the game entirely. Seriously? I said that to her at some stage? Wow, my nerves really are shot. You know what? Well played, Haven. You got me with that one. Taste of my own medicine. Damn, girl's got attitude. I secretly kinda like it. But man, I gotta clean up my act if I want to stay working this gig!
Talked with the husband about the whole thing and while it may seem like we're making excuses for ourselves so we can keep swearing all we want -- we're definitely going to curb the swearing as much as is humanly possible for two adults who have literally NO FILTER and then hope that our brilliant children will understand when it's appropriate and when it's not appropriate to use "bad" words.
Our kids are going to hear bad words. I mean we are raising them in Southie for godsake. But I guess we're going to go with the thinking that we'd rather have them know they exist, know that people say them when they are frustrated but that they should not be used to hurt another person or used in order to be disrespectful to another person. Like, my daughter who said fuck -- but said it to herself and in her defense "just a little bit." I guess, I'm kinda of ok with that. And hopefully by having heard swear words being used -- she won't find them all that fascinating to say in the first place -- we'll kind of take the taboo out of it by not making it a big deal in our house or in our lives. My aunt's friend, who is a self-described trash talker, wrote an article about this very issue which you can read here.
In the meantime, I am committed to taking things down a notch and leaving the swearing for special circumstances :) Maybe try, "Shoot!" "Shucks!" "Darnit!" and see if those don't get some traction rather than the all out swearing of my two year old :) Maybe I'll even take the ol' "Jesum crow" off the shelf and dust that sucker off -- remember saying that? What the hell does that mean anyway?
If it doesn't work - you can all say, "I told you so" when my kids are two angry driving massholes from Southie.
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